Will you ever forgive me?

Im sorry blog, i truly am, how i have been neglecting you. But you are not alone, i dont seem to write in my diary anymore either.
So i know you my be wondering 'well what the fuck have you been doing then?'
Reading.
Drinking.
Sleeping.
Repeat.

But i had to return to wish you a happy birthday, my blog one year old. I am sorry for abandoning you and i cant promise that i will return to the old writting days, but i hope in time that you will forgive me. Because i can honestly say i miss you. I miss this. I miss writing, and i realised this when i made a blog purley for book reviews. Promise im not cheating on you old friend, oh how ever could i do that? I couldnt.
Ive just found a love for books, one that i never knew i had but when my friends decided they didnt like me anymore, vodka and books became my best friends. And honestly? I dont think id have it any other way.

My love for music is still going strong, infact i think i have slight post gig depression despite there only being a month apart between my last and next. I feel more lonely than ever and my sadness is worse. Infact i went to a doctor after recent thoughts and almost not making it to 2014. Where i got refereed to a place, but i burnt the letter they sent me because i physically couldn't call them. Im a coward.


I have a visa meaning i can leave the country which is good news, never knew how hard it was though to sort out, like i actually had to make a phone call. -gasps- who does that?!

And i spend all weekend working, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

So in a way i started this blog to try to be different, not boring, now im wondering, did it work? My weeks are average, i rarely do anything different, i have no friends and my weekends are spent working.


Did we fail blog? I hope not, because we're not over yet.


Promise.

Talents.

"The most important thing to remember is that content is king and audio is queen. Video is just the messenger of the two."

This is supposed to be the start to my personal statement towards my university application. Towards a university application that I won’t be using for another two years or so. Towards a university which I haven’t even decided on yet. Towards a life I haven’t even thought about yet.
I’ve set myself into this media career that because I chose the area I’d like to work apparently people think I should know the specific job I want to commit my life to. They forget I’m still making a stupid mess of my life and what happens if in two years I don’t want to do media anymore? I’m possibly screwed. Not because that’s what I will have spent the whole of college doing but because I’m not good at anything else.

I wouldn’t class media a talent, anyone can pick up a camera, be creative, learn to edit, and although it seems hard once you learn it, it’s pretty simple. Some bits anyway. I’m not that good at it all. But then there’s those people who get caught up for hours drawing, painting, singing, playing an instrument, dancing. I wish I could waste hours doing any of those talents too. But I never did as a child or now. So I feel pretty talentless.

This makes it even harder when I have to write about myself, why do we all find it so hard? Because we’re not used to saying nice things about ourselves or we don’t see what we do a talent or useful?
Ive been coming across this a lot lately, finding myself not useful. Like I have no purpose. I just wish I could waste my hours drawing whatever my brain creates. Or getting wrapped up in a different world when I learn my favourite song on drums. But inside I find myself admiring others work, spending hours reading others masses of words about story’s that don’t exist. Lying on my floor just carefully listening to another’s emotions in a song.
I live for other people’s talent.

I don’t know if I skipped the part of life where everyone got given a talent or what happened but I can’t seem to find mine yet.
Maybe I never will and ill become content with this person admiring others work and feeling a little jealous that I couldn’t do anything like that.

Lets share secrets.

Exactly a year ago I left high school, let me tell you a secret. Exactly a year ago I wanted to die. I’ve actually never told anyone that before.
I hated high school because I also hated myself, I look back on these pictures and I don’t even recognise myself. It’s sad, knowing how lost I was. I read an old entry from my diary saying how id forgotten what it was like to be truly happy, a part of me wants to go back and give that version of me a hug.
Up until a few months ago I never really liked myself, Its crazy to think that as I look back on pictures from January and I don’t even recognise the girl ‘smiling’ in them.

But currently I’ve been doing things I love, with people I love. I am very content, I don’t have a reason to be sad, yet I find myself breaking down in public. Fighting back tears and sitting in silence while I watch everyone laughing and creating inside jokes.
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, I’m a mess.
I was sat in my class the other day as we were on a break and everyone left the room but me and I burst into tears, no explanation, I was just sat there. Then I wanted to cry more because I didn’t know why I just did that but I had to fight the urge and just sit there.
It is the worst thing ever, one minute I’m happy, the next I want to crawl into a corner and cry till I’m okay.

Sometimes all I want is for someone just to hold me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be okay.
That sounded like a song lyric haha, dropping out of college and becoming a songwriter. Boom. Sorted.

This blog is like my secrets page, I never really feel like I’m able to tell anyone this shit because it’s not something you just slip into conversation, and nobody cares, but on here it’s like fuck you I’ll write what I want. If you choose to read it then thanks?

I know I won’t get as bad I was last year, but I get scared that I might. I have bad days, weeks, months. It’s like a cycle I never know when it’s going to happen then boom they creep up on you and you find yourself becoming a mess, ignoring the real world, hiding. It’ll pass soon, when this one does I’ll be so fucking happy. 

Reality scares me.

If you say you don’t judge people I’m calling you a liar. Everyone judges everyone, we all know its wrong yet we do it anyway. It’s in our nature. Sometimes those judgments are correct, but they can also be wrong.

Someone, who 9 months ago if you’d have told me that id actually have a full conversation, get along with, actually like this person I would have laughed, told me something the other day which explained why they view a certain situation the way they do. It made me stop and think for a minute that even when we think we know people, we really don’t. Someone could tell you all their secrets but you still could not truly know them or why they act a certain way. It’s sad, but its reality.

I guess reality scares me a little because behind every person no matter how strong they may seem is someone or something tearing them apart and we never realise it.

I’ve been having quite a bad day today and not the ‘bad day’ where  everything goes wrong, but the ‘bad day’ you get when you fight so hard to be happy and some days no matter how hard you fight you will find yourself sat in your room crying. So I can’t stop thinking about the theory of how we never really know people. I also can’t stop thinking about how badly I wish I could have someone I could spontaneously message saying ‘Can I see you?’ then go crawl into their bed and just sulk and they wont question it, they’ll let me do it and surprisingly that would help me escape reality. I’ve only ever done the spontaneous ‘can I see you then crawl in your bed and sulk in silence but you won’t question it you’ll just let me do it’ once before and it was the nicest thing ever. Right now I need it. I need you. I needed you. You walked away. Like everyone else.

Everything that you’ve just read is what’s been on my mind for the past 24 hours. I can’t get it out, and I want it go away, I want to be okay. I was so happy the other day and now I don’t even want to speak to anyone.

Anyone got a bed I can crawl into while they let me sulk and not question it? Let me know thanks. 

Define happiness.

How do you define happiness?

If someone could tell me that’d be great because I hate the question ‘You happy today?’ Especially when no, I’m not ‘happy’ but I’m happier than I was yesterday.
I like to think of myself as content. I like who I am, I like what I’m doing, I like who I’m talking to. But I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m happy. Because once this bubble of contentness pops and the shit that’s outside it is let back in, I’d be lying if I said I was happy.

However I am far from sad. I haven’t been sad in a while, okay I might get in a bad mood sometimes and just want to hide away and cry to myself, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m sad. I’m just having a bad day, and tomorrow I’ll be fine.

So why is it that if we don’t have a massive smile on our faces, we’re not bouncing around the room talking to everyone, we’re not laughing constantly, it’s not okay. Because it is, no one can expected to be happy 100% of the time. Hell it’s not normal. I just wish that when we do have those off days people don’t question every little thing. Like it’s unnatural for me of all people to be in a bad mood. I’m only human, everyone has emotions, let me be angry for one day of the 365. Ill fake a smile for you the other 364. Just let me have today.

Right now I am content. In fact right now I feel like a writer or some shit because I’m lying front down on the floor like you see in movie scenes. Makes me think back to my 8 year old self whose dream was to become a writer. Then the world happened and the writer dream disappeared. Guess I’ll make movies instead ;)

I just want you to know, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry. Even if people don’t understand, it is okay. No one can expect you to be perfect.

<3. 

She cared.

You know what I find funny? How today a friend told me how they love how I just dont care, like with things like being called a bitch, moody etc.. yet the same day I just got so angry with a certain situation I started to cry. Don’t you hate that? Cause you’re not sad, yet your mind makes it look like you are and you have to explain that you’re angry not upset.

Ive been through quite a lot of shit in my life so far so when I get called little things it doesn’t bother me like some of my friends where it will. I deal with bad situations by making jokes out of them. For example I recently got told I was being moody, at first I was very self-conscious of how I was then acting as I know that I like to be alone and I’m not always the happiest but never thought I was moody so I was asking others (they all responded with no, fanks guys xoxox) But now I’ve gone past my self-conscious face and make jokes about it. So if I ever respond to anything with ‘Is it cause I’m moody’ I apologise in advance.

Because of my jokes to what people call me and not being all hung up or questioning why people think this I guess this is why my friends thing I don’t care with little things. Ive got bigger things to do than chase you round if you want to be pathetic, so warning don’t try that shit on me, it doesn’t work.

Yet the same day I get told I don’t care, I care. But I care more in an annoyed way, like I feel like screaming ‘GO AWAY, GET YOUR OWN FRIENDS’ Really loudly at someone, even though it makes me sound/feel like a 12 year old it’s true. I wish you’d just go away, please.

Top it off, when I started feeling this way I knew one person I could let it all out too… but they don’t care. I don’t miss you, but I miss our friendship. Grrr. I hate myself for that.

I’m so angry in this post. I’m seriously hitting the keys so hard id be surprised if they’re all still working after I’ve finished with this post. I keep going ‘UGGGGH’ out loud as well as I thing about what’s annoying me and how I can’t do anything about it, while trying not to hit something by punching the air instead.

Im sorry that this post probably made no sense, I needed to get my anger out and I found it funny how the girl that doesn’t care, did. Just because she doesn’t show it around people doesn’t mean that I don’t have my breakdowns. Granted though, 75% of the time I don’t care. Because shit happens. Deal with it. So don’t be offended when I don’t get upset if you say something ‘bad’ to me. 

Now i shall go listen to Mayday Parade and cry. lol. 

Infinite.

‘and in that moment, I swear we were infinite.’

If you’ve ever read The Perks in being a Wallflower then you will be familiar with the quote you just read.

The other night, I may have been under slight influence of alcohol, but I ended up on the top of this hill (I knew where I was I didn’t just go to a random hill) and it was around midnight, I laid back and just looked up at the stars. And I don’t think you can describe either the feeling or the beauty of this. You look up and realise how small you are, how big the universe is, how so much more is yet to come. 

I think my favourite thing is you start to notice the stars moving, and I just watched the odd ones travel across this darkness and as you watch it you notice more stars around where you’re looking.

I wasn’t up there alone I was with a friend who as much as it was nice to spend this night with him I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect this would have been to spend with someone else. Then I realise that someone else is a dick and I go back to focusing on the stars. Because as I think back to that moment, I don’t remember much of the conversation going on. I just remember lying there and thinking this was one of the best moments of my life. I don’t know if it was the alcohol making it seem cooler than it was but have you seriously ever just laid there and stared literally into space.

To top it off as we were lying there I remember not paying much attention to the sky as I was talking to someone else, then suddenly a flash of light in the sky, but not just a flash of light, a shooting star flash of light. And its one of those moments where you stop and think ‘did I really just see that?!’ Luckily I wasn’t the only one thinking this. So ofc after that moment I kept wanting to witness another just to see the real beauty in it, sadly this did not happen, but I still have the moment of seeing one.

I hope one day ill get to do this again and it will be with someone that will make the night more perfect and we shall talk about silly shit and just stare and we will be staring for hours and having heart to hearts, sharing stories, secrets, reminiscing, getting to know each other, before we realise what time it is and we should go back to socialising with others. This could be a friend, a best friend, or a boyfriend. Whoever you are. I hope you witness the true beauty I felt and will feel again.

Cause in that moment, I swear I was infinite.