Reality scares me.

If you say you don’t judge people I’m calling you a liar. Everyone judges everyone, we all know its wrong yet we do it anyway. It’s in our nature. Sometimes those judgments are correct, but they can also be wrong.

Someone, who 9 months ago if you’d have told me that id actually have a full conversation, get along with, actually like this person I would have laughed, told me something the other day which explained why they view a certain situation the way they do. It made me stop and think for a minute that even when we think we know people, we really don’t. Someone could tell you all their secrets but you still could not truly know them or why they act a certain way. It’s sad, but its reality.

I guess reality scares me a little because behind every person no matter how strong they may seem is someone or something tearing them apart and we never realise it.

I’ve been having quite a bad day today and not the ‘bad day’ where  everything goes wrong, but the ‘bad day’ you get when you fight so hard to be happy and some days no matter how hard you fight you will find yourself sat in your room crying. So I can’t stop thinking about the theory of how we never really know people. I also can’t stop thinking about how badly I wish I could have someone I could spontaneously message saying ‘Can I see you?’ then go crawl into their bed and just sulk and they wont question it, they’ll let me do it and surprisingly that would help me escape reality. I’ve only ever done the spontaneous ‘can I see you then crawl in your bed and sulk in silence but you won’t question it you’ll just let me do it’ once before and it was the nicest thing ever. Right now I need it. I need you. I needed you. You walked away. Like everyone else.

Everything that you’ve just read is what’s been on my mind for the past 24 hours. I can’t get it out, and I want it go away, I want to be okay. I was so happy the other day and now I don’t even want to speak to anyone.

Anyone got a bed I can crawl into while they let me sulk and not question it? Let me know thanks. 

Define happiness.

How do you define happiness?

If someone could tell me that’d be great because I hate the question ‘You happy today?’ Especially when no, I’m not ‘happy’ but I’m happier than I was yesterday.
I like to think of myself as content. I like who I am, I like what I’m doing, I like who I’m talking to. But I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m happy. Because once this bubble of contentness pops and the shit that’s outside it is let back in, I’d be lying if I said I was happy.

However I am far from sad. I haven’t been sad in a while, okay I might get in a bad mood sometimes and just want to hide away and cry to myself, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m sad. I’m just having a bad day, and tomorrow I’ll be fine.

So why is it that if we don’t have a massive smile on our faces, we’re not bouncing around the room talking to everyone, we’re not laughing constantly, it’s not okay. Because it is, no one can expected to be happy 100% of the time. Hell it’s not normal. I just wish that when we do have those off days people don’t question every little thing. Like it’s unnatural for me of all people to be in a bad mood. I’m only human, everyone has emotions, let me be angry for one day of the 365. Ill fake a smile for you the other 364. Just let me have today.

Right now I am content. In fact right now I feel like a writer or some shit because I’m lying front down on the floor like you see in movie scenes. Makes me think back to my 8 year old self whose dream was to become a writer. Then the world happened and the writer dream disappeared. Guess I’ll make movies instead ;)

I just want you to know, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry. Even if people don’t understand, it is okay. No one can expect you to be perfect.

<3. 

She cared.

You know what I find funny? How today a friend told me how they love how I just dont care, like with things like being called a bitch, moody etc.. yet the same day I just got so angry with a certain situation I started to cry. Don’t you hate that? Cause you’re not sad, yet your mind makes it look like you are and you have to explain that you’re angry not upset.

Ive been through quite a lot of shit in my life so far so when I get called little things it doesn’t bother me like some of my friends where it will. I deal with bad situations by making jokes out of them. For example I recently got told I was being moody, at first I was very self-conscious of how I was then acting as I know that I like to be alone and I’m not always the happiest but never thought I was moody so I was asking others (they all responded with no, fanks guys xoxox) But now I’ve gone past my self-conscious face and make jokes about it. So if I ever respond to anything with ‘Is it cause I’m moody’ I apologise in advance.

Because of my jokes to what people call me and not being all hung up or questioning why people think this I guess this is why my friends thing I don’t care with little things. Ive got bigger things to do than chase you round if you want to be pathetic, so warning don’t try that shit on me, it doesn’t work.

Yet the same day I get told I don’t care, I care. But I care more in an annoyed way, like I feel like screaming ‘GO AWAY, GET YOUR OWN FRIENDS’ Really loudly at someone, even though it makes me sound/feel like a 12 year old it’s true. I wish you’d just go away, please.

Top it off, when I started feeling this way I knew one person I could let it all out too… but they don’t care. I don’t miss you, but I miss our friendship. Grrr. I hate myself for that.

I’m so angry in this post. I’m seriously hitting the keys so hard id be surprised if they’re all still working after I’ve finished with this post. I keep going ‘UGGGGH’ out loud as well as I thing about what’s annoying me and how I can’t do anything about it, while trying not to hit something by punching the air instead.

Im sorry that this post probably made no sense, I needed to get my anger out and I found it funny how the girl that doesn’t care, did. Just because she doesn’t show it around people doesn’t mean that I don’t have my breakdowns. Granted though, 75% of the time I don’t care. Because shit happens. Deal with it. So don’t be offended when I don’t get upset if you say something ‘bad’ to me. 

Now i shall go listen to Mayday Parade and cry. lol.