My brain exploded.

Is it possible to become more dirty minded in a few weeks? Or maybe it’s because I really don’t care what people think anymore. I still think I’m considered one of ‘the innocent’ ones though. Mwahahaha.

Want to know what one of my favourite things is? Just putting my headphones in and blasting my music so that I’m blocked out from the world even though I’m in the comfort of my own home and I could easily blast it aloud, it’s just not the same.
Bet you can’t guess what I’m doing right at this moment then eh eh eh…?;D

Again I have nothing to complain about here on this blank page because for once, all week ive been rather happy. I read somewhere that you’re truly happy if you smile when you’re alone. So when I was sat on the bus home thinking about all the shit I did that day and I smiled, I realised I was happy. Do I get a gold star for this? Cause that would definitely make me smile? Or some chocolate? Ive almost eaten all my bags of minstrels I got from that bunny fella.

I’ve been thinking bout if I’ve changed in a few week cause I feel different, happier with myself, but writing this I’ve realised, I haven’t changed, I’ve become more of who I want to be. You could say I care less, which I think is true, I was stupid and got sucked into something I should have been smarter to realise I was being played. But honestly I regret nothing because that situation has made me, id say better, I like me now, I like being dirty, weird, fun. Wouldn’t change it if I could. Im just very scared of showing this new me to my friends, I keep edging them into it, for example I just said in a conversation that shouting ‘BITCH GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR’ was a fantasy of mine. It isn’t btw. I don’t think…

I started writing this post out of boredom and then my friends remembered I existed and my awesomeness and now I’m getting distracted by the mass of inappropriate conversations I am currently having. So I’m going to end this, I successfully ate all three bags of minstrels I got today though, Ill say that’s my achievement of the day. And I’m incredibly happy right now, I’m just waiting for someone to come along and fuck it up. But until that day ill smile, cause smile kid there’s only one way out.

I was a stupidass.

‘There’s 7 billion 46 million people on the planet and most of us have the audacity to think we matter’

 Wait, writing on a Monday night, not a Tuesday, and this isn’t going to be about my depressing mind? Well at least I don’t think it will be, haven’t got that far into this post yet.
The quote im hoping you read at the start is from George Watskys song – Tiny Glowing Screens part 2. I highly suggest you either listen to that particular ‘song’ or any others by Watsky. He’s all I’ve been listening to all day and oh my god, he is so good.
Now I need someone to come see him with me in May.. I mean when tickets are only 9 pounds how could refuse?! I’ll even pay for their ticket that’s how in love with this dude I am right now.
Im going to have to do some harassing tomorrow… -evil laugh-

I started this blog with the intention to start doing new things, being different, stopping being a boring person, and so far I’ve complained and been sad. WELL NO MORE MY FRIEND. Just imagine me shouting that in a victorious voice with my arm raised and my hand in a fist.
Well there probably will be more, because I’m not as smiley as I may seem. BUT FOR NOW, NO MORE MY FRIEND.
Watskys put me in such a good mood, I MUST SEE HIM.
Its taking me a while to write this post because im getting distracted by his talent.

I get distracted easily even in text form, hi. A thing I didn’t mention which was the first new thing I did since starting this blog was getting my nose pierced! Yesssss boiii! Its been something ive wanted for a while but never thought I could A) Pull it off or B) Could stand the ‘pain’ But it didn’t hurt, and I think I’m pulling it off… least I hope I am anyway! But suddenly I feel like I no longer will be mistaken for a 12 year old! Ill be mistaken for a 14 year old instead. Which is fine by me as long as I still get away with Child train fair.

Next mission – Learn all of Tiny Glowing screens part 2, which I am determined to do, so if I achieve this expect a video.
But also next on the agenda as I got informed by a text today is to get the top of my ear done in the Easter holidays, again this is something I’ve wanted for a long time, my original plan was to get this done as soon as I left high school. Obviously that failed, and I never got round to it. Now I have friends that want it done too and so I have no excuse not to get it done.

These all seem like small things that are everyday events to some people, but to me it’s different, its making me feel like im actually doing something instead of sitting and wishing id got it done. Realising this is my last full year in the UK before I go to NZ for a year makes me want to make it a year that I can look back on and be happy with myself. Even though a year doesn’t feel/sound like a long time to be away. A lot is going to change, 70% of my friends will probably have forgotten who I am, be working hard at unis all across England, and I’ll be left to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do with my life. So this year I need to make sure I’m not sad over stupid dickheads (Refer to last post) But instead look forward to the fact I got VIP for the upload tour, I’m seeing my cousin in less than 4 months, and despite all the bullshit, 60% of the time, I am happy.

Which again is a reason why I have this blog, because why the fuck not? The amount of time I spent writing this post makes me feel like I’ve achieved something rather than sitting on twitter scrolling waiting for something interesting to happen for hours. 

Welcome to my messed up love life.

Tuesdays seem to be my breakdown days, although technically I broke down yesterday, today I was just very very angry.

Let me start by saying why, I basically got ‘played’, something I was terrified of happening, then boom it happened. The guy I liked that had been leading me on got into a relationship yesterday.
He used to live somewhere else and told me the reason why I guess we weren’t ‘official’ was because of the distance. He stops talking to me/seeing me, then starts again, like nothings happened. I stupidly forget how shit he made me feel and go along with it. Moves back to where I live yesterday, boom instant new girlfriend.
Equalling in a breakdown from me. Today I saw his face, happy, smiling, in a place I go to escape all the bullshit. I was furious, so mad I was shaking.
Even people in my class realised how mad I was when I told my friend how much he’d pissed me off and one mentioned how they’d never heard me swear before so I must be angry. Which led to my teacher asking what was wrong/made me this mad, obviously I couldn’t just go ‘oh you know... got played.’

What gets me more is that I asked him the week before if he was now in a relationship and he said no it was a long story. Since he hasn’t talked to me since Sunday, I asked him one question stating it would be the last time he heard from me, if he had lied to me last week. Hes seen the message, but doesn’t have the decency to reply to a simple yes or no question. So he has till tomorrow morning where I will say this to him and then tell him ‘Fuck you’

Typing this is like releasing all my anger onto this blank page, I know you probably don’t care, nobody does. But its helped calmed me down, a little.
But what I don’t get is, when people break up they’re shown eating masses of food, ive felt constantly sick since I saw the fact he was in a relationship, I still feel sick now. I haven’t eaten properly since. I HATE how much I care, and I really didn’t think I would care this much. But I guess I just hide my feelings so well even I forgot how much I liked him.

Pretty sure I’m going to be single forever after this, as if it wasn’t hard enough to trust a guy already someone has to go fuck it up even more.

If you read all this Thankyou? Welcome to my messed up love life, welcome to my blog which has calmed me down. Although I’m still so angry. I’m not sure whether I’m angrier at myself of at him, or both…

Just if you’re a guy and your reading this... please please just don’t lead someone on, don’t make them feel like shit, don’t play them. Because you don’t know what they’re going through already and it could possibly just nudge them over the edge.

He got over me so quickly, I knew he would, I just wish I could do the same, expect when I said I liked him there was a difference. I actually meant it. 

Welcome?

So,
     Here I am, writing my first blog post that in my mind no one will read, and I guess nobody will read it. Somehow I’m okay with that. I make videos for the purpose of people to watch them and I like people to watch them, I created this blog because… well because I can.

Lately I’ve been feeling very… sad? Unsatisfied? Lost? Today was no different, except something about today made me change the way I thought about everything.
A few nights ago I awoke from a really bad dream, it involved people that make me angry just by thinking about them, but it also involved people whom I love dearly. In the dream I got very angry and got off a bus that I was traveling on and started running, I knew I had no destination, I knew I had no purpose, I just kept running. Something about the running made me feel, calm, free, empty. As if when I was running nothing else was happening.
Some may really analyse this as ‘oh my god she’s going to run away blah blah blah.’ 
Tonight I was ready to break down into tears when I got home, but to my surprise I had a job to do, leaving the task of breaking down till later, as I walked around the block where I live delivering papers to people who will be wondering why I’m so late, I started running, just for those few moments I felt the same way I did in my dream.
So I’ve decided I need to go on actual runs, to clear my head, I used to run the same last year but ended up stopping, not really sure why I stopped.
But my new goal is to run, I need to run.

That was only one part of today, the part that got me thinking but not what leaded me to making this blog. I’ve recently realised how annoyed I seem to be getting at the internet, and I don’t mean the internet itself. I don’t sit there in front of my sky box shouting at it to go faster. I mean sites such as ‘Facebook’ and ‘Twitter’ to which I spent hours on scrolling and finding myself getting more annoyed by the things I read, by the people I see, and for the stupidity that is on there, yes I am one of the stupid people among those sites. But soon enough I had logged out of both these sites and deleted them from my bookmarks bar, a task I felt happy about as it meant I didn’t have the urge to constantly check them every five seconds even though nothing new appears.

It is not only the internet that is annoying me, for the past few weeks I keep deeming my phone useless, I use it to check the time, ring my mum, and occasionally text people asking them where they are in college. Other than that? It’s a brick in my pocket, oh and it’s good for taking photos. So for the past two days I’ve had it on airplane mode for about 70% of the day. I haven’t missed it when it has been on this setting, and I haven’t missed out on anything important. I don’t think I could ever get rid of my phone completely though because I’m reminded of how much I need it when I do end up having those conversations on it that can go on for hours.

Amongst all this stuff I keep deleting from my life, I’ve realised I don’t really do much. And this annoyed me. I’ve been reading a lot lately and I guess that’s because fantasy’s better than reality... And I don’t have anything better to do. So that leads me to why I created this blog, I’m bored with my life and want to start something new. I created a blog. That’s new right? And I want to actually spend my time doing something useful. Start small, finish big right?
So I hope I haven’t bored you too much if you took the time to read this. But I hope this isn’t my last post and I hope that you maybe have some ideas for someone that wants something new?

-          Welcome to my brain.