Talents.

"The most important thing to remember is that content is king and audio is queen. Video is just the messenger of the two."

This is supposed to be the start to my personal statement towards my university application. Towards a university application that I won’t be using for another two years or so. Towards a university which I haven’t even decided on yet. Towards a life I haven’t even thought about yet.
I’ve set myself into this media career that because I chose the area I’d like to work apparently people think I should know the specific job I want to commit my life to. They forget I’m still making a stupid mess of my life and what happens if in two years I don’t want to do media anymore? I’m possibly screwed. Not because that’s what I will have spent the whole of college doing but because I’m not good at anything else.

I wouldn’t class media a talent, anyone can pick up a camera, be creative, learn to edit, and although it seems hard once you learn it, it’s pretty simple. Some bits anyway. I’m not that good at it all. But then there’s those people who get caught up for hours drawing, painting, singing, playing an instrument, dancing. I wish I could waste hours doing any of those talents too. But I never did as a child or now. So I feel pretty talentless.

This makes it even harder when I have to write about myself, why do we all find it so hard? Because we’re not used to saying nice things about ourselves or we don’t see what we do a talent or useful?
Ive been coming across this a lot lately, finding myself not useful. Like I have no purpose. I just wish I could waste my hours drawing whatever my brain creates. Or getting wrapped up in a different world when I learn my favourite song on drums. But inside I find myself admiring others work, spending hours reading others masses of words about story’s that don’t exist. Lying on my floor just carefully listening to another’s emotions in a song.
I live for other people’s talent.

I don’t know if I skipped the part of life where everyone got given a talent or what happened but I can’t seem to find mine yet.
Maybe I never will and ill become content with this person admiring others work and feeling a little jealous that I couldn’t do anything like that.

Lets share secrets.

Exactly a year ago I left high school, let me tell you a secret. Exactly a year ago I wanted to die. I’ve actually never told anyone that before.
I hated high school because I also hated myself, I look back on these pictures and I don’t even recognise myself. It’s sad, knowing how lost I was. I read an old entry from my diary saying how id forgotten what it was like to be truly happy, a part of me wants to go back and give that version of me a hug.
Up until a few months ago I never really liked myself, Its crazy to think that as I look back on pictures from January and I don’t even recognise the girl ‘smiling’ in them.

But currently I’ve been doing things I love, with people I love. I am very content, I don’t have a reason to be sad, yet I find myself breaking down in public. Fighting back tears and sitting in silence while I watch everyone laughing and creating inside jokes.
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, I’m a mess.
I was sat in my class the other day as we were on a break and everyone left the room but me and I burst into tears, no explanation, I was just sat there. Then I wanted to cry more because I didn’t know why I just did that but I had to fight the urge and just sit there.
It is the worst thing ever, one minute I’m happy, the next I want to crawl into a corner and cry till I’m okay.

Sometimes all I want is for someone just to hold me tight and tell me that everything’s going to be okay.
That sounded like a song lyric haha, dropping out of college and becoming a songwriter. Boom. Sorted.

This blog is like my secrets page, I never really feel like I’m able to tell anyone this shit because it’s not something you just slip into conversation, and nobody cares, but on here it’s like fuck you I’ll write what I want. If you choose to read it then thanks?

I know I won’t get as bad I was last year, but I get scared that I might. I have bad days, weeks, months. It’s like a cycle I never know when it’s going to happen then boom they creep up on you and you find yourself becoming a mess, ignoring the real world, hiding. It’ll pass soon, when this one does I’ll be so fucking happy. 

Reality scares me.

If you say you don’t judge people I’m calling you a liar. Everyone judges everyone, we all know its wrong yet we do it anyway. It’s in our nature. Sometimes those judgments are correct, but they can also be wrong.

Someone, who 9 months ago if you’d have told me that id actually have a full conversation, get along with, actually like this person I would have laughed, told me something the other day which explained why they view a certain situation the way they do. It made me stop and think for a minute that even when we think we know people, we really don’t. Someone could tell you all their secrets but you still could not truly know them or why they act a certain way. It’s sad, but its reality.

I guess reality scares me a little because behind every person no matter how strong they may seem is someone or something tearing them apart and we never realise it.

I’ve been having quite a bad day today and not the ‘bad day’ where  everything goes wrong, but the ‘bad day’ you get when you fight so hard to be happy and some days no matter how hard you fight you will find yourself sat in your room crying. So I can’t stop thinking about the theory of how we never really know people. I also can’t stop thinking about how badly I wish I could have someone I could spontaneously message saying ‘Can I see you?’ then go crawl into their bed and just sulk and they wont question it, they’ll let me do it and surprisingly that would help me escape reality. I’ve only ever done the spontaneous ‘can I see you then crawl in your bed and sulk in silence but you won’t question it you’ll just let me do it’ once before and it was the nicest thing ever. Right now I need it. I need you. I needed you. You walked away. Like everyone else.

Everything that you’ve just read is what’s been on my mind for the past 24 hours. I can’t get it out, and I want it go away, I want to be okay. I was so happy the other day and now I don’t even want to speak to anyone.

Anyone got a bed I can crawl into while they let me sulk and not question it? Let me know thanks. 

Define happiness.

How do you define happiness?

If someone could tell me that’d be great because I hate the question ‘You happy today?’ Especially when no, I’m not ‘happy’ but I’m happier than I was yesterday.
I like to think of myself as content. I like who I am, I like what I’m doing, I like who I’m talking to. But I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m happy. Because once this bubble of contentness pops and the shit that’s outside it is let back in, I’d be lying if I said I was happy.

However I am far from sad. I haven’t been sad in a while, okay I might get in a bad mood sometimes and just want to hide away and cry to myself, but I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m sad. I’m just having a bad day, and tomorrow I’ll be fine.

So why is it that if we don’t have a massive smile on our faces, we’re not bouncing around the room talking to everyone, we’re not laughing constantly, it’s not okay. Because it is, no one can expected to be happy 100% of the time. Hell it’s not normal. I just wish that when we do have those off days people don’t question every little thing. Like it’s unnatural for me of all people to be in a bad mood. I’m only human, everyone has emotions, let me be angry for one day of the 365. Ill fake a smile for you the other 364. Just let me have today.

Right now I am content. In fact right now I feel like a writer or some shit because I’m lying front down on the floor like you see in movie scenes. Makes me think back to my 8 year old self whose dream was to become a writer. Then the world happened and the writer dream disappeared. Guess I’ll make movies instead ;)

I just want you to know, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry. Even if people don’t understand, it is okay. No one can expect you to be perfect.

<3. 

She cared.

You know what I find funny? How today a friend told me how they love how I just dont care, like with things like being called a bitch, moody etc.. yet the same day I just got so angry with a certain situation I started to cry. Don’t you hate that? Cause you’re not sad, yet your mind makes it look like you are and you have to explain that you’re angry not upset.

Ive been through quite a lot of shit in my life so far so when I get called little things it doesn’t bother me like some of my friends where it will. I deal with bad situations by making jokes out of them. For example I recently got told I was being moody, at first I was very self-conscious of how I was then acting as I know that I like to be alone and I’m not always the happiest but never thought I was moody so I was asking others (they all responded with no, fanks guys xoxox) But now I’ve gone past my self-conscious face and make jokes about it. So if I ever respond to anything with ‘Is it cause I’m moody’ I apologise in advance.

Because of my jokes to what people call me and not being all hung up or questioning why people think this I guess this is why my friends thing I don’t care with little things. Ive got bigger things to do than chase you round if you want to be pathetic, so warning don’t try that shit on me, it doesn’t work.

Yet the same day I get told I don’t care, I care. But I care more in an annoyed way, like I feel like screaming ‘GO AWAY, GET YOUR OWN FRIENDS’ Really loudly at someone, even though it makes me sound/feel like a 12 year old it’s true. I wish you’d just go away, please.

Top it off, when I started feeling this way I knew one person I could let it all out too… but they don’t care. I don’t miss you, but I miss our friendship. Grrr. I hate myself for that.

I’m so angry in this post. I’m seriously hitting the keys so hard id be surprised if they’re all still working after I’ve finished with this post. I keep going ‘UGGGGH’ out loud as well as I thing about what’s annoying me and how I can’t do anything about it, while trying not to hit something by punching the air instead.

Im sorry that this post probably made no sense, I needed to get my anger out and I found it funny how the girl that doesn’t care, did. Just because she doesn’t show it around people doesn’t mean that I don’t have my breakdowns. Granted though, 75% of the time I don’t care. Because shit happens. Deal with it. So don’t be offended when I don’t get upset if you say something ‘bad’ to me. 

Now i shall go listen to Mayday Parade and cry. lol. 

Infinite.

‘and in that moment, I swear we were infinite.’

If you’ve ever read The Perks in being a Wallflower then you will be familiar with the quote you just read.

The other night, I may have been under slight influence of alcohol, but I ended up on the top of this hill (I knew where I was I didn’t just go to a random hill) and it was around midnight, I laid back and just looked up at the stars. And I don’t think you can describe either the feeling or the beauty of this. You look up and realise how small you are, how big the universe is, how so much more is yet to come. 

I think my favourite thing is you start to notice the stars moving, and I just watched the odd ones travel across this darkness and as you watch it you notice more stars around where you’re looking.

I wasn’t up there alone I was with a friend who as much as it was nice to spend this night with him I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect this would have been to spend with someone else. Then I realise that someone else is a dick and I go back to focusing on the stars. Because as I think back to that moment, I don’t remember much of the conversation going on. I just remember lying there and thinking this was one of the best moments of my life. I don’t know if it was the alcohol making it seem cooler than it was but have you seriously ever just laid there and stared literally into space.

To top it off as we were lying there I remember not paying much attention to the sky as I was talking to someone else, then suddenly a flash of light in the sky, but not just a flash of light, a shooting star flash of light. And its one of those moments where you stop and think ‘did I really just see that?!’ Luckily I wasn’t the only one thinking this. So ofc after that moment I kept wanting to witness another just to see the real beauty in it, sadly this did not happen, but I still have the moment of seeing one.

I hope one day ill get to do this again and it will be with someone that will make the night more perfect and we shall talk about silly shit and just stare and we will be staring for hours and having heart to hearts, sharing stories, secrets, reminiscing, getting to know each other, before we realise what time it is and we should go back to socialising with others. This could be a friend, a best friend, or a boyfriend. Whoever you are. I hope you witness the true beauty I felt and will feel again.

Cause in that moment, I swear I was infinite. 

Just keep breathing...

Its been a while since ive listened to a song for the first time and within the first 20seconds im in tears. This could be one of four reasons.
1. Its my favourite band.
2. The emotion behind the song.
3. Travis.
4. All of the above.
If you guessed 4 congratulations you won yourself a cookie. Eat it with pride.

We the kings released their new song ‘Just Keep Breathing’ and holy cow. I had high hopes for it mainly because Travis seemed so proud of it and he said he wrote it from the experience of being bullied his whole life. So I knew it wasn’t going to be some shitty pop song. Also the fact that they released it on their own and it got to number 5(currently) in the charts just blows my mind. To me they’re my boys, they’re the boys I stand out for HOURS in the rain and snow freezing my tits off just to see. Even when I’m sat on a curb, freezing, dying for hours and end up standing at the back of the gig because you’re seconds away from passing out yet still manage to have an amazing time. That’s my We The Kings. Not Chart topping big timers.
But for the past twenty four hours, Just Keep breathing had been on repeat. Im not saying its good just because im a fan, Im saying its good because it IS. Like no matter what situation you’re going through if you listen to this song, even just one line of it might help.

I’ve been a fan of We The Kings for three years, since early 2010 during my Radio Disney days, not even going to lie I used to love that shit. Id put it on and fall asleep listening to it, my favourite was when it was Halloween and all the American teenies would ring up and say they were going as Hannah Montana for Halloween. God I love Americans. But I heard a song called Check Yes Juliet, and it was one that they kept playing that I eventually googled the little lyrics that had stuck into my head to find the masterminds behind this song. Boom hello We The Kings.

Its quite funny because im currently reading through all my old tweets (gone from 09 to 11 oh how embarrassing I was) But the amount of times I tweeted ‘The Story of your life is so twisted because someone out there is missing everything you do’ is hilarious to think that song has changed/saved my life. Hence why I write Smile kid on my wrist every day. Although that makes me sound like I used to cut myself- I didn’t. But there is other ways you can harm your body when you don’t want to be alive anymore. When you’ve hit that low, you never want to go back there, so when I felt myself crawling back into that hole of darkness, I started realising how much I loved the line ‘Smile kid theres only one way out’ Obviously the whole phrase couldn’t fit on my wrist, but Smile kid could. And So it has stayed since January 2012. Since then it has been a constant reminder just to smile and has honestly helped me from stopping going back to what I call my ‘shut down mode’

So when Travis mentions the new single is about how he has been bullied throughout his life, and when you’ve just come out of a small shut down mode phase and your heads still a little messed up, hearing the song made me cry, and ive had it on repeat since. This has made me waay more excited for their album release this summer.
I can’t even remember the last time I was this excited to buy a CD, probably cause the last CD I bought was Nick Jonas and the administration… btw that album is actually incredibly good! But I feel like im going to be a proud mother when it is released because of my fangirlness for Mr Charles Trippy. I loved We The Kings before he joined the band and I guess it was just fate for my idol to join my favourite band, and this is his first album with and the excitement you can feel when he talks about it just warms your heart.

‘2 am too tired to sleep, when what you wants not what you need, when these walls don’t feel like home, remember that you’re not alone.’ 

My brain exploded.

Is it possible to become more dirty minded in a few weeks? Or maybe it’s because I really don’t care what people think anymore. I still think I’m considered one of ‘the innocent’ ones though. Mwahahaha.

Want to know what one of my favourite things is? Just putting my headphones in and blasting my music so that I’m blocked out from the world even though I’m in the comfort of my own home and I could easily blast it aloud, it’s just not the same.
Bet you can’t guess what I’m doing right at this moment then eh eh eh…?;D

Again I have nothing to complain about here on this blank page because for once, all week ive been rather happy. I read somewhere that you’re truly happy if you smile when you’re alone. So when I was sat on the bus home thinking about all the shit I did that day and I smiled, I realised I was happy. Do I get a gold star for this? Cause that would definitely make me smile? Or some chocolate? Ive almost eaten all my bags of minstrels I got from that bunny fella.

I’ve been thinking bout if I’ve changed in a few week cause I feel different, happier with myself, but writing this I’ve realised, I haven’t changed, I’ve become more of who I want to be. You could say I care less, which I think is true, I was stupid and got sucked into something I should have been smarter to realise I was being played. But honestly I regret nothing because that situation has made me, id say better, I like me now, I like being dirty, weird, fun. Wouldn’t change it if I could. Im just very scared of showing this new me to my friends, I keep edging them into it, for example I just said in a conversation that shouting ‘BITCH GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR’ was a fantasy of mine. It isn’t btw. I don’t think…

I started writing this post out of boredom and then my friends remembered I existed and my awesomeness and now I’m getting distracted by the mass of inappropriate conversations I am currently having. So I’m going to end this, I successfully ate all three bags of minstrels I got today though, Ill say that’s my achievement of the day. And I’m incredibly happy right now, I’m just waiting for someone to come along and fuck it up. But until that day ill smile, cause smile kid there’s only one way out.

I was a stupidass.

‘There’s 7 billion 46 million people on the planet and most of us have the audacity to think we matter’

 Wait, writing on a Monday night, not a Tuesday, and this isn’t going to be about my depressing mind? Well at least I don’t think it will be, haven’t got that far into this post yet.
The quote im hoping you read at the start is from George Watskys song – Tiny Glowing Screens part 2. I highly suggest you either listen to that particular ‘song’ or any others by Watsky. He’s all I’ve been listening to all day and oh my god, he is so good.
Now I need someone to come see him with me in May.. I mean when tickets are only 9 pounds how could refuse?! I’ll even pay for their ticket that’s how in love with this dude I am right now.
Im going to have to do some harassing tomorrow… -evil laugh-

I started this blog with the intention to start doing new things, being different, stopping being a boring person, and so far I’ve complained and been sad. WELL NO MORE MY FRIEND. Just imagine me shouting that in a victorious voice with my arm raised and my hand in a fist.
Well there probably will be more, because I’m not as smiley as I may seem. BUT FOR NOW, NO MORE MY FRIEND.
Watskys put me in such a good mood, I MUST SEE HIM.
Its taking me a while to write this post because im getting distracted by his talent.

I get distracted easily even in text form, hi. A thing I didn’t mention which was the first new thing I did since starting this blog was getting my nose pierced! Yesssss boiii! Its been something ive wanted for a while but never thought I could A) Pull it off or B) Could stand the ‘pain’ But it didn’t hurt, and I think I’m pulling it off… least I hope I am anyway! But suddenly I feel like I no longer will be mistaken for a 12 year old! Ill be mistaken for a 14 year old instead. Which is fine by me as long as I still get away with Child train fair.

Next mission – Learn all of Tiny Glowing screens part 2, which I am determined to do, so if I achieve this expect a video.
But also next on the agenda as I got informed by a text today is to get the top of my ear done in the Easter holidays, again this is something I’ve wanted for a long time, my original plan was to get this done as soon as I left high school. Obviously that failed, and I never got round to it. Now I have friends that want it done too and so I have no excuse not to get it done.

These all seem like small things that are everyday events to some people, but to me it’s different, its making me feel like im actually doing something instead of sitting and wishing id got it done. Realising this is my last full year in the UK before I go to NZ for a year makes me want to make it a year that I can look back on and be happy with myself. Even though a year doesn’t feel/sound like a long time to be away. A lot is going to change, 70% of my friends will probably have forgotten who I am, be working hard at unis all across England, and I’ll be left to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do with my life. So this year I need to make sure I’m not sad over stupid dickheads (Refer to last post) But instead look forward to the fact I got VIP for the upload tour, I’m seeing my cousin in less than 4 months, and despite all the bullshit, 60% of the time, I am happy.

Which again is a reason why I have this blog, because why the fuck not? The amount of time I spent writing this post makes me feel like I’ve achieved something rather than sitting on twitter scrolling waiting for something interesting to happen for hours. 

Welcome to my messed up love life.

Tuesdays seem to be my breakdown days, although technically I broke down yesterday, today I was just very very angry.

Let me start by saying why, I basically got ‘played’, something I was terrified of happening, then boom it happened. The guy I liked that had been leading me on got into a relationship yesterday.
He used to live somewhere else and told me the reason why I guess we weren’t ‘official’ was because of the distance. He stops talking to me/seeing me, then starts again, like nothings happened. I stupidly forget how shit he made me feel and go along with it. Moves back to where I live yesterday, boom instant new girlfriend.
Equalling in a breakdown from me. Today I saw his face, happy, smiling, in a place I go to escape all the bullshit. I was furious, so mad I was shaking.
Even people in my class realised how mad I was when I told my friend how much he’d pissed me off and one mentioned how they’d never heard me swear before so I must be angry. Which led to my teacher asking what was wrong/made me this mad, obviously I couldn’t just go ‘oh you know... got played.’

What gets me more is that I asked him the week before if he was now in a relationship and he said no it was a long story. Since he hasn’t talked to me since Sunday, I asked him one question stating it would be the last time he heard from me, if he had lied to me last week. Hes seen the message, but doesn’t have the decency to reply to a simple yes or no question. So he has till tomorrow morning where I will say this to him and then tell him ‘Fuck you’

Typing this is like releasing all my anger onto this blank page, I know you probably don’t care, nobody does. But its helped calmed me down, a little.
But what I don’t get is, when people break up they’re shown eating masses of food, ive felt constantly sick since I saw the fact he was in a relationship, I still feel sick now. I haven’t eaten properly since. I HATE how much I care, and I really didn’t think I would care this much. But I guess I just hide my feelings so well even I forgot how much I liked him.

Pretty sure I’m going to be single forever after this, as if it wasn’t hard enough to trust a guy already someone has to go fuck it up even more.

If you read all this Thankyou? Welcome to my messed up love life, welcome to my blog which has calmed me down. Although I’m still so angry. I’m not sure whether I’m angrier at myself of at him, or both…

Just if you’re a guy and your reading this... please please just don’t lead someone on, don’t make them feel like shit, don’t play them. Because you don’t know what they’re going through already and it could possibly just nudge them over the edge.

He got over me so quickly, I knew he would, I just wish I could do the same, expect when I said I liked him there was a difference. I actually meant it. 

Welcome?

So,
     Here I am, writing my first blog post that in my mind no one will read, and I guess nobody will read it. Somehow I’m okay with that. I make videos for the purpose of people to watch them and I like people to watch them, I created this blog because… well because I can.

Lately I’ve been feeling very… sad? Unsatisfied? Lost? Today was no different, except something about today made me change the way I thought about everything.
A few nights ago I awoke from a really bad dream, it involved people that make me angry just by thinking about them, but it also involved people whom I love dearly. In the dream I got very angry and got off a bus that I was traveling on and started running, I knew I had no destination, I knew I had no purpose, I just kept running. Something about the running made me feel, calm, free, empty. As if when I was running nothing else was happening.
Some may really analyse this as ‘oh my god she’s going to run away blah blah blah.’ 
Tonight I was ready to break down into tears when I got home, but to my surprise I had a job to do, leaving the task of breaking down till later, as I walked around the block where I live delivering papers to people who will be wondering why I’m so late, I started running, just for those few moments I felt the same way I did in my dream.
So I’ve decided I need to go on actual runs, to clear my head, I used to run the same last year but ended up stopping, not really sure why I stopped.
But my new goal is to run, I need to run.

That was only one part of today, the part that got me thinking but not what leaded me to making this blog. I’ve recently realised how annoyed I seem to be getting at the internet, and I don’t mean the internet itself. I don’t sit there in front of my sky box shouting at it to go faster. I mean sites such as ‘Facebook’ and ‘Twitter’ to which I spent hours on scrolling and finding myself getting more annoyed by the things I read, by the people I see, and for the stupidity that is on there, yes I am one of the stupid people among those sites. But soon enough I had logged out of both these sites and deleted them from my bookmarks bar, a task I felt happy about as it meant I didn’t have the urge to constantly check them every five seconds even though nothing new appears.

It is not only the internet that is annoying me, for the past few weeks I keep deeming my phone useless, I use it to check the time, ring my mum, and occasionally text people asking them where they are in college. Other than that? It’s a brick in my pocket, oh and it’s good for taking photos. So for the past two days I’ve had it on airplane mode for about 70% of the day. I haven’t missed it when it has been on this setting, and I haven’t missed out on anything important. I don’t think I could ever get rid of my phone completely though because I’m reminded of how much I need it when I do end up having those conversations on it that can go on for hours.

Amongst all this stuff I keep deleting from my life, I’ve realised I don’t really do much. And this annoyed me. I’ve been reading a lot lately and I guess that’s because fantasy’s better than reality... And I don’t have anything better to do. So that leads me to why I created this blog, I’m bored with my life and want to start something new. I created a blog. That’s new right? And I want to actually spend my time doing something useful. Start small, finish big right?
So I hope I haven’t bored you too much if you took the time to read this. But I hope this isn’t my last post and I hope that you maybe have some ideas for someone that wants something new?

-          Welcome to my brain.